Ditch the hearse, bring the kids, have a picnic: an alternative undertaker’s tips for a better funeral

[AE-NMidlands]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... er-funeral is interesting. Lots of interesting points in it, I noted

Callender does plenty of cremations too, although they are less green. He says it takes roughly the same amount of energy to cremate a body as it does to supply a living person with all their energy needs for three months. Then there’s all the CO2, the soot, formaldehyde, even mercury vapour that goes into the atmosphere. Burial has less impact on the environment. As long as it’s not done too deep, that is; the graves at Sharpham Meadow are all shallow ones. “If you bury somebody six feet down, there’s not enough bacterial activity to break them down,” he explains.

and

He encourages people to do their own bearing.

And for Callender, that’s what it’s about – getting involved. So what does he think is the perfect funeral? “People who loved that person talking honestly,” he replies. He generally gets things going and sets the tone. “And then someone else will speak and hopefully it just turns into a conversation that can run and run. Until we go: ‘Shall we do it? Shall we bury them?’ Then filling in the grave and sitting around on top of it afterwards having a picnic.”

And, Callender says, bring the kids along; they need to be there. He should have been at his father’s funeral. “We still get people going: ‘I don’t know about bringing Johnny.’ And I say: ‘Did he love his grandmother?’ And they say: ‘He adored her – he’s really upset.’ And I say: ‘If you don’t bring him, let me tell you, there’s a good chance he’ll end up as an undertaker.’”

We found a good helpful firm in Leeds to do both my parents, but it wasn't that far off "conventional" overall

[spread-tee]

We are off this very day to lay Mrs Desps mum to rest at a place called Sunrising near banbury, having done the same for her sister a few years ago MIL booked a place there and then. All natural, all carried out by the family, if you wish, and all very agreeable in the circumstances.

RIP Constance.

[Oldgreybeard]

We are off this very day to lay Mrs Desps mum to rest at a place called Sunrising near banbury, having done the same for her sister a few years ago MIL booked a place there and then. All natural, all carried out by the family, if you wish, and all very agreeable in the circumstances.

RIP Constance.

Hope all goes as well as it can in these circumstances.

As an aside, my own woodland funeral plan is now in disarray. I'd organised it with a local and well-trusted family undertaker but they've had to cancel it and refund me, as some new government regulation meant that to offer pre-paid plans they needed to jump through a lot of hoops and register with the FSA. As a small family firm they've opted not to do this, as the overheads involved are too great. I really don't want to use one of the big, anonymous, providers, so am back to trying to think of a way around the problem. I don't want to leave this as a problem for others to sort out when the time comes.

[marshman]

__

[Mr Gus]

Didnt get to see my dad buried as a kid, but got to see my grandad on my mothers side in the funeral home a couple of years before (I was 5 or so then)
& I think it concentrated problems that resulted in a life of dysfunction & violence from my brother, that eventually resulted in a funeral for her I simply attended but sat at the back, no invite to the wake (wasnt allowed to be told, tbh I dont think id have stayed beyond a few minutes anyway, "the air") ..funerals arent done properly, grieving applies to animals too, & we wouldnt think of not involving them so they can sense death & know a pack member is going / gone.

Definitely involve kids, pets & ditch the sunday best, funerals are too stiff, even "rememberance" held separately are too formal, (you know the ones where the instruction is to "wear bright colours & celebrate life" ) ..that one I didnt attend for my own mother having been cold shouldered by the family having been told a web of lies...

Too much religion, mainly non regular church going families going through themotions, & clumsiness by people trying to be composed & upstanding whilst uncomfortable in a suit, ..I worked summer holidays in a graveyard when i was at school, (apologising to grave occupants when i needed to stand on their space to strim around / mow on "their space" ...I quickly came to the conclusion that places that were so bereft of visitors was the wrong set up, the expense maintaining 100+ year old graveyards, (then) the modern, & the old norman origin churchyards of the town, was an expensive waste of time that emotions, religion & the need to put someone in the ground quickly meant rush, not thought, or simply "the co-op did everything"

Plant a copse, plant a tree, a proper one every few years if you want to offer some remembrance, but do not waste it on that slab of largely unvisited, costly, paperwork required granite.I

If we got 3 live visitors per week, that was busy, ..I could not even really say that they were wildlife magnets. (this was in quite a large town)

.....
For your beloved larger animals, if not buried by family, & my wife insists on ours being cremated, its generally oil burners disposal, a very messy & expensive "curated" business.

if its a dog, in a family with another dog, we take the 3 of us to the vets to see them put down, take the dog home (on a tomato bag planter, ..mini stretcher) puppy pad to prevent leaks, introduce the remaining animals who soon recognise "life gone ..empty vessel remains" ..our evening is spent with our animals, emotionally, ..its tearful but cleansing, ..next morning, after a night of freezer blocks drive to the Duxford IWM (air freshener, body off-gassing a bit) ..having taken a paw print in fimo, a clipping of claw, ..the guys there are very gentle & respectful taking our animal from the car,collar comes off...

We tend to see old planes playing over the airfield, & that always seems a nice send off.
We collect the cardboard tube ashes a week or so later & try to find a place that is likely not to be disturbed & scenic for the ashes, likely at the foot of a nice tree growing well in acid soil & scrape a bit of soil, leaf mulch back & give it to the tree for nutrients & growth.

In recent years this has been at a place where the original owner had gravestone markers for their dogs in the old gardens, ..good company.
Currently due to covid times, we have two cardboard tubes of ex boxer dogs waiting, we will do them when time is right & visitors are minimal, likely the same tree, two old sisters returned to the earth by a grand giant "type" redwood.

Now thats a headstone, imho.

[Oldgreybeard]

Don't want to do what a friend and I tried to do years ago. A mutual friend died and his wife asked us to scatter his ashes, using my aeroplane. We did a practice run with some ashes from the fire. Good job we did! We'd been told that the crematorium put the ashes in a plastic bag, inside the urn, so we filled a plastic bag with ash, flew over the designated spot on our practice run, as low as we could safely go (bit lower than the law allows - needed to be so those on the ground could see properly). My mate cracked the door on his side open a couple of inches, held the bag through the gap and released the contents.

Instead of leaving the aircraft, as planned, they filled the cockpit with fine ash, to the point where I couldn't even see clearly. We made it back to Old Sarum, got out of the aeroplane and we both looked like ghosts, covered from head to toe in fine ash. Took the rest of the day to clean the inside of the aeroplane.

If anyone wants to do this then the proper way is to use a long bit of plastic drain pipe, that pokes out well below the aircraft through the partly opened door. This needs a cap at the end to seal the contents in, that can be opened by pulling a bit of string. Using this contraption we got the job done, flew alongside a ridge at low level, with the funeral party stood in a line along the top. We weren't much higher than them, because of the hill slope, and it all went as well as could be hoped for, with the ashes exiting cleanly, in the main. Some still ended up on the tail surfaces - we surreptitiously brushed them off just after we landed. I'm sure he'd have wanted a few of his ashes to remain at Old Sarum anyway, as he'd flown from there enough times.

[Mr Gus]

Likely there is an american version of a funnel & tube "Beer bong" just for this sirt of thing, allowing some window clearance & a sealed funneltop to negate the cockpit ghost effect, likely a bunched & loosely tied ashes end (dual lined) that is unclipped to allow the funnel to move it onward.

These days though surely an RC servo box with a streamer behind it (for ground spotting & ash spreading purposes) could be made & stuck on like a go-pro camera attachment, unless i'm missing something OGB ?

[Oldgreybeard]

Likely there is an american version of a funnel & tube "Beer bong" just for this sirt of thing, allowing some window clearance & a sealed funneltop to negate the cockpit ghost effect, likely a bunched & loosely tied ashes end (dual lined) that is unclipped to allow the funnel to move it onward.

These days though surely an RC servo box with a streamer behind it (for ground spotting & ash spreading purposes) could be made & stuck on like a go-pro camera attachment, unless i'm missing something OGB ?

Probably is some high tech way to do this now, but this was over 30 years ago, pre-internet, so we sort of made it up as we went along.

[Mr Gus]

Ah, got it, pre-internet posed lots of problems ..not surprising.

[spread-tee]

We are off this very day to lay Mrs Desps mum to rest at a place called Sunrising near banbury, having done the same for her sister a few years ago MIL booked a place there and then. All natural, all carried out by the family, if you wish, and all very agreeable in the circumstances.

RIP Constance.

Hope all goes as well as it can in these circumstances.

As an aside, my own woodland funeral plan is now in disarray. I'd organised it with a local and well-trusted family undertaker but they've had to cancel it and refund me, as some new government regulation meant that to offer pre-paid plans they needed to jump through a lot of hoops and register with the FSA. As a small family firm they've opted not to do this, as the overheads involved are too great. I really don't want to use one of the big, anonymous, providers, so am back to trying to think of a way around the problem. I don't want to leave this as a problem for others to sort out when the time comes.

Thanks OGB, it was a very sad but satisfactory day, and a fitting way to say goodbye with a real sense of closure.
Constance booked and paid for the plot three years ago when we buried Penny, Mrs Desps sister, as it seemed such a perfect and environmentally friendly way to shuffle off this coil. Then all we had to do was arrange the undertakers to collect the body from our house, store it for a while and then deliver her to Sunrising this afternoon at 2pm. no problem with any other formalities at all.

We lifted the coffin from the hearse onto a bere, a small 4 wheel cart, trundled her up to a pavillion where we read various poems and eulogies, then took her to the grave and lowered her in and then backfilled it.

Strange as it seems a DIY burial is very comforting and appropriate somehow and knowing we are personally and hands on carrying out the last wishes seem to provide real closure.

Desp